“Blaming the wolf would not help the sheep much. The sheep must learn not to fall in the clutches of the wolf.”Mahatma Gandhi

I’ve done it. We’ve all done it. Blamed someone or something as to why things aren’t going to plan. We blame our parents for being unsupportive or neglectful. We blame partners for pretty much the same. We blame our kids for not appreciating the things we do for them or why we put our life on hold. We grumble over poor work conditions or colleagues for why we can’t do better at our job. We berate politicians as to why the country is stuffed, corporate greed for why we are living hand to mouth every week, and annoying Aunty Miriam for ruining Christmas lunch.

Yeah, we cast a lot of blame, and it doesn’t serve anyone. It’s not a game where there’s ever a winner. We’ll convince ourselves there are forces against us achieving goals and that we have no emotional autonomy over how we respond to confrontation - allowing us to slip into a victim mentality, believing we drew the short straw in life.

The moment you blame someone for the way you feel, you give away control. You drain your strength that could otherwise be focussed on personal growth. But why? Doesn’t it feel good to blame anything but ourselves? In the moment it certainly takes the pressure off.

I know I blamed being a young dad as to why I couldn’t pursue my chosen career at the time. Now putting aside the father figure role I was more than willing to take on, and yes that comes with certain sacrifices for the greater good, I still carried a subconscious excuse for not going all in – even when I know looking back I could’ve kept my focus.

And as the years went on, I found other reasons to blame. I was too tired. I was too busy taking care of others. I always found some priority that I felt a duty to fulfill before my own. I would rarely say to people these external forces were to blame but looking back I think it sat there somewhere underneath – and with it came the humility I needed to learn.

I only had myself to hold responsible. For everything.

I made the choices to let it go. I decided I couldn’t compromise between family duty and pursuing my dreams. I cut myself off completely because I was putting myself second to other people’s needs – then unconsciously blaming other people as to why my needs weren’t being met! The sticky paradox.

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I was lamenting over the idea of turning fifty, as we do, moping about not having achieved the things I wanted out of life that I became desperate to figure out why.

One late night (possibly a beer or three in), while stewing over this dilemma, I had one of my epiphanies. When I blamed something or someone, it had zero effect on changing my situation. Although this form of projection felt emotionally productive in the moment, as if it relieved a pressure valve, it always resulted in no improvement whatsoever. A complete waste of energy. What the hell was I doing then?!

It dawned on me that if I truly believe someone or something is to blame for the way I’m feeling, or falling short, then I’ve literally given this entity authority over my emotional state. I willingly handed over the reins to find myself wedged firmly between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Unless they or it changes of its own accord, I’m stuck.

Once I became fully aware of what I was doing, the answer was obvious. A simple yet effective mind-set, allowing me complete control over this self-sabotaging trait.

The Zero Blame Technique

Pretty much does what it says on the tin.

The concept requires you to start with this affirmative, non-negotiable action. Remove every context of blaming something outside of yourself for where you are right now. Try it. Go over your life to date, as much as you can remember, and take full accountability for every decision, consequence, and reaction you’ve made. Basically, own your shit and don’t expect anyone else to. Once you complete this task, you’ve already put yourself back in the driver’s seat, ready to move forward.

Although I called this idea simple, it will take quite a bit of practice to make it second nature. Stop yourself every time you get riled up at something that confronts or restricts you. Be aware of the moment you would probably gripe and jump to blame… but then change course. Take a breath and think to yourself:

I’m about to give away control here. About to feed this beast a level of power that I could use for me instead.

Then be accountable and take that control back.

Yes, you might still feel angry, persecuted, or unjustly attacked, so own it. Instead of believing, they made me feel like this, flip the switch – I’m choosing to be angry and hurt right now.

It’s all about how we frame the wording that makes the difference. There’s such a shift in the nuance from blame to accountability.

This is what it comes down to.

Life will put things in our path, but we choose how we respond.

William James (the father of American psychology) supports the idea that we are responsible for everything that happens in our life. We can’t control what happens, but we have choice over how to react, respond, and handle the situations we face. That comes from within. An attitude. Nothing tangible that anyone can touch but you. It reminds me of that serenity prayer; Accept the things you can’t change and go fucking hard on the things you can!

Alright not quite verbatim but you get the gist.

It might be wishful thinking, but if we can teach the next generation how to frame their wording this way, perhaps in time we can reprogram our lazy brain. Giving us a chance to move far away from using excuses and blame as an automatic defence for coming under par to our full potential.

Stopping blame doesn’t mean you now remain in a passive state when you’re faced with oppression. It just means you have a level of maturity and strength to respond – whether it be pulling someone up for their inappropriate behaviour or standing up to protect another. As far as I know, Mahatma Gandhi never blamed his oppressors, but he also never backed down. Other iconic figures include Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr., and plenty more who remained in control of their emotions and showed strength in the face of adversity. 

I do understand how we feel we don’t have a choice in some situations. But I also want to push back on this human habit. We always have a choice. We just may not like the alternatives, the confrontation or consequence that comes with it, but choice is still there. I could’ve decided I wasn’t letting go of my aspirations and walked out on my family. The choice was there alright. The urge never was, but I still had autonomy.

If I’m faced with confrontation then it’s all me who choose to fire back with equal or greater force. It’s all me if I choose to run away. It’s all me if I choose to face it with compassion. I choose everything.

Like these goats of mine, I guess I’m just curious to unpack these traits of ours. Curious to see what kind of society we might evolve into if everyone took accountability for their choices and emotions. I believe it’s a much healthier way forward even if I don’t see it in my lifetime.

Blame doesn’t change any outcome. All it does is sit like this lump inside you, growing resentment until it comes out in bursts. Or worse, it blows up a marriage, a family, a friendship, a job, or your life if you don’t learn how to re-channel it. There’s something inherent within us that stops us repeating old habits the moment we become aware of behaviours that aren’t serving us. It’s that which I find incredible about the human psyche. The more you practice, the more you fine-tune that muscle. All sorts of things can emerge when we stop masking our inner problems by projecting onto others.

And once you commit the Zero Blame technique, regain your personal control, it will free you up like you can’t imagine.

Cheers!

Alby

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