We men make choices, good or bad, based on our primal instinct…to survive. And without the support of other men, those decisions can lead us down paths we didn’t want to travel.
We behave in ways, aggressive or subservient, to avoid the pain of rejection…in order to survive.
We wear masks of duty and obligation, seeking any scrap of approval…in order to survive.
We lie to ourselves for acceptance, contradicting the essence of the true man beneath…in order to survive.
But there comes a time for the broken man when those masks, those lies bear a heavy weight. Burdened with false beliefs that his worth has completely eroded, that he deserves the shame he carries, causes him to break. In order to survive…he lashes out. He makes toxic choices to dominate, abuse, steal, enslave, create chaos, fuel dissent or abandon those he loves. And many slip between the cracks without our awareness until it’s too late…and they fail to survive.
I had the privilege of returning this past weekend, after many years to a Manhood & Initiation retreat with 25 others. Men aged 14 to 71 gathering on the pristine country of Kangaroo Island. A powerful group of men wanting to make new choices to take different paths. Not based purely on surviving one day to the next, but to unveil the real men they wish to be, regardless of how painful that is to accomplish within the pressure cooker of life. The courage each one of them presented by merely showing up, listening to other men and sharing their own stories was gut wrenchingly cathartic, it’s beyond words. They did this because they were yearning for a new way to survive.
It was a glorious example of how men can help other men remove those masks, those self-imposed obstacles, be vulnerable without judgement and allow this incredible light to swell from within. A healthy power that radiated beyond the realms of the camp to what can only be described as liberating and hopeful. Life-long bonds created in such a short time seemed impossible yet became the solid foundations for us all to grow.
It left me feeling faithful that any wounded man, no matter the depths of his trauma, can make choices that bare truth to who he is and wants to be moving forward. For his friends, family, work colleagues and strangers he encounters.
But all this is rarely achievable without the support that other men can provide. And if we want a better future for ourselves and the generations to follow, then we men must do our part. We must forever check in with our mates, brothers, sons, uncles, cousins, colleagues, fathers and grandfathers. Be there without judgement, a simple beer with a listening ear, all to provide that safe comforting space that every man needs…in order to survive.